tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/It's all true, even the liesMokoFeed2009-11-20T23:06:47+01:00tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/2009/11/20/the-political-biscuit-7418965/alecweston2009-11-20T11:04:36+01:002009-11-20T11:04:36+01:00 <p>I have abandoned my attempt to become Prime Minister. I never watch X Factor, and have no favourite sweet biscuit.</p> <p>PS Is there a country where these considerations do not figure in the political discourse? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/the-political-biscuit-7418965/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-20:/2009/11/20/pacific-shampoo-7418232/alecweston2009-11-20T08:44:59+01:002009-11-20T08:44:59+01:00 <p><em>I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair<br> And send him on his way.<br> </em><br> <em>Are you ready boots?<br> These boots are made for walking</em></p> <p> Wait a minute! That's another song!</p> <p> <em>And walk is what they'll do<br> One of these days these boots will walk all over you</em>.</p> <p> Have you gone all gay?</p> <p><span> No. And niether has the guy who I'm going to walk over if he doesn't walk out of my life smartish. He's a "business partner" who has been metaphorically screwing me around for the last four months. He overestimated his abilities - and underestimated mine.</p> <p> Now, pass the shampoo! Pass those spikey boots!</span><span><span> </span></p> <p></span> Enough of the melodram. Don't like it.</p> <p><span> It's the dieing phase of the man-flu. Just indulge me awhile.</span></p> <p> <em>I'm dreaming of a whitewash Christmas!</em></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/pacific-shampoo-7418232/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-19:/2009/11/20/is-7417094/alecweston2009-11-20T00:19:01+01:002009-11-20T00:19:01+01:00 <p>there anything we can do about it? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/20/is-7417094/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-19:/2009/11/19/replica-sex-7413004/alecweston2009-11-19T12:54:33+01:002009-11-19T12:54:33+01:00 <p>What is a 'replica handbag' anyway?</p> <p>A replica gun is a gun that doesn't actually do what a gun is meant to do, ie fire bullets.</p> <p>A replica handbag would <em>look</em> like a handbag, but actually be unable hold anything.</p> <p>Replica jewellery - maybe it's really a steamroller, or a chewing gum dispenser.</p> <p>Replica sex could not even be masturbation - that's self administered sex, not at all the same thing. </p> <p>Maybe somebody else could suggest a meaning for replica sex. Maybe it's what most married couples have most of the time. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/replica-sex-7413004/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-19:/2009/11/19/jewellery-is-the-answer-disembowelment-7412024/alecweston2009-11-19T09:41:15+01:002009-11-19T09:41:15+01:00 <p>I woke in such a good mood.</p> <p>Then, as I was checking another site, eight Comment emails arrived in less than 10 minutes.</p> <p>Yes - the jewellery gangster.</p> <p>It has put me in a bad mood to go through the tedium of deleting them all. No point? I refuse to be party to this monstrous little parasite.</p> <p>Oh, I did keep one - and edited to say what I'd like him/her/it to feel about it/her/himself.</p> <p>I have reported the creep - again. Is it impossible to stop the 'guy'?</p> <p>No doubt a comment will arrive on this post soon - 'wedding' and 'jewellery' are buzzwords for jewellery's algorithm.</p> <p>How very postmodern.</p> <p>But I think the only solution may be medieval</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/19/jewellery-is-the-answer-disembowelment-7412024/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-18:/2009/11/18/not-caring-a-fuck-7410528/alecweston2009-11-18T23:55:53+01:002009-11-18T23:55:53+01:00 <p> "I like you best," she told me more than once, "when you don't care a fuck."</p> <p>We had brilliant sex. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/18/not-caring-a-fuck-7410528/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-18:/2009/11/18/how-far-away-7410058/alecweston2009-11-18T22:26:21+01:002009-11-18T22:26:21+01:00 <p>(<em>What's wrong with the guy? If its not penguins, it's fragments from</em> South Pacific)</p> <p>How far are they?<br> Philidelphia P.A<br> Princeton N.J.<br> How far are they?</p> <p>From coconut palms<br> To banyan trees<br> and coral sands<br> And Tonkinese</p> <p>How far are they?<br> Little Rock A.R.K?</p> <p>Princeton N.J<br> How far are they?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/18/how-far-away-7410058/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-18:/2009/11/18/v-penguins-are-coming-7408807/alecweston2009-11-18T18:51:15+01:002009-11-18T19:27:07+01:00 <p>This afternoon, evening, whenever I close my eyes - and sometimes when I don't - I see a sandy beach, and coming towards me a V-shaped formation of minuature penguins. Thousands of them, waddling. Is the sea bright blue? Don't know. The whole picture is in monochrome, the greys of an etching.</p> <p>What does it all mean? It means I am still feverish, fit for little but further hallucination.</p> <p>It sure beats housework.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/18/v-penguins-are-coming-7408807/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-18:/2009/11/18/few-things-feel-better-7405738/alecweston2009-11-18T09:36:11+01:002009-11-18T09:36:11+01:00 <p>... than the morning after a bout of heavy cold. <em>I mustn't overdo it</em>. Suddenly everything seems possible. <em> Don't exaggerate</em>. Why not exaggerate? All those tasks I have pushed aside for months - I can do them now. <em>Calm down!</em> And that idiot I have avoided phoning - today I will give him a piece of my mind. <em>Or I could just go back to bed and enjoy feeling better</em>. <strong>But that's so boring!</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/18/few-things-feel-better-7405738/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-18:/2009/11/18/news-about-mary-7403708/alecweston2009-11-18T02:57:29+01:002009-11-18T03:18:33+01:00 <p>Mary had a little lamb,<br> Whose <del>feet were</del>fleece was white as snow.<br> And everywhere that Mary went,<br> The little lamb did go.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/18/news-about-mary-7403708/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-17:/2009/11/17/the-hills-7402958/alecweston2009-11-17T22:51:09+01:002009-11-17T22:51:09+01:00 <p>are alive to the sound of music. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/17/the-hills-7402958/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-17:/2009/11/17/event-of-day-7398652/alecweston2009-11-17T12:41:35+01:002009-11-17T14:45:03+01:00 <p>Trundle over to MacBook. Blog 3 sentences, Trundle back to bed again. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/17/event-of-day-7398652/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-16:/2009/11/16/life-is-7386736/alecweston2009-11-16T18:21:06+01:002009-11-16T18:22:07+01:00 <p>too full of cliches to be real.</p> <p>(That's what COLDIMOL does to me. Pumps a milliletre of cattarh from my head, and replaces it with crap phliosophy) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/life-is-7386736/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-16:/2009/11/16/muffled-7384507/alecweston2009-11-16T12:28:57+01:002009-11-16T12:30:57+01:00 <p>Today, inside me beats a quiet heart, oddly enthusiastic about life when this attack is over. But it's surrounded by cotton wool, phlegm, apathy and asprin. </p> <p>Yes, I have got a cold, but if you wish to call it 'flu, man-flu, hypochondria, or indeed Dysocrantic Extension Disorder, be my guest. I can't be arsed to argue. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/16/muffled-7384507/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/uh-uh-7380159/alecweston2009-11-15T21:30:34+01:002009-11-15T21:30:34+01:00 <p>All afternoon I have been unaccoutanably depressed, my throat is sore and getting sorer. Even after a bath my body is aching. Every so often I feel disoriented. I fear a heavy cold approaching.</p> <p>Sometimes I use the Cassandra method to cure it: tell everyone I'm going down with a cold or 'flu, and it often goes away. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/uh-uh-7380159/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/napoleon-bonaparte-once-said-7377083/alecweston2009-11-15T14:10:11+01:002009-11-15T14:13:09+01:00 <p><span>"Josephone had the most beautiful cunt in the world, but she lied too much."</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/napoleon-bonaparte-once-said-7377083/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/too-many-pixies-7376091/alecweston2009-11-15T10:38:58+01:002009-11-15T10:38:58+01:00 <p><u>'Small beer' Blyton banned by BBC for over 25 years</u></p> <p>Despite later being adored by soyunperdedor and some other of my favourite friends</p> <p>Enid Blyton's work contained too many pixies, newly released BBC memos have revealed<br> Children's author Enid Blyton was banned from the BBC because her work was considered "small beer".</p> <p>The best-selling writer unsuccessfully approached the corporation several times to get her material on the radio.<br> Executives considered the Famous Five and Noddy creator "second-rate" and lacking literary value, according to 18 newly released letters and memos.</p> <p>She first pitched ideas in 1936 but did not appear on Woman's Hour until 1963, <strong>only three years before Alec Weston started for the Corporation. "This is pure coincidence," he commented. "The BBC joined still had values. For example I was expected to wear a suit."</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/too-many-pixies-7376091/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-15:/2009/11/15/life-is-like-a-loaf-of-lemon-7375565/alecweston2009-11-15T07:20:01+01:002009-11-15T09:06:05+01:00 <p><em>Fallen and forgotten, without a goodman's name,<br> She dreams of Indiana while she walks the streets of shame.</em></p> <p>"'Griselda was a doormat. She was probably one of those dames that if you slug 'em, they worry about whether you hurrt your hand. That makes a guy to want to slug 'em again'"</p> <p>"I could not now conceive a life without conilingus. On the other hand, I could not conceive a life with Lloyd." </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/15/life-is-like-a-loaf-of-lemon-7375565/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/lumps-of-male-clumsiness-7374630/alecweston2009-11-14T23:17:18+01:002009-11-14T23:17:18+01:00 <p>5 rhythn dancing again, Good music, Great energy, great dancing, Two hours, non stop.</p> <p>I'm all screwed up, though. Why do men have to take up so much room when they dance? Most guys see no difference beteeen dancing and elephant aerobics. If were younger I would change sex and become a lesbian. </p> <p>That is all. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/lumps-of-male-clumsiness-7374630/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/okay-christmas-7373624/alecweston2009-11-14T19:23:32+01:002009-11-14T19:25:12+01:00 <p>Now this is a post where you - friends, aquaintencies, passers by (<u>but not spammers</u>) are allowed, ney encouraged to offer me advice: What the hell do I do for Christmas?</p> <p>For me, the "family option" is dismal. Plus my sister prefers me not there. I always think of Christmas as the end of a game of musical chairs, with all single people left standing. And, yes, since you ask, I really would consider an invitation to <em>somebody else's</em> family celebrations.</p> <p>Of course, there is always abroad. But (1) Christmas flying, hotels etc tend to me more expensive, and crowded. (2) holidaying on my own - except perhaps in pricey, far off sun - could well accentuate my loneliness. If I have discovered anything else about myself in the last year or so, I am a highy social animal. But social, lol, on my terms.</p> <p>The best advice so far is from a friend who suggests I take a few tabs of acid lace with a little smack to take off the edge.</p> <p>Can you do better than that? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/okay-christmas-7373624/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/corpsing-7372619/alecweston2009-11-14T16:07:17+01:002009-11-14T18:06:55+01:00 <p>"Well, Carruthers, I will be blunt. When we throw your torso into the fire, there won't be much left of you. So I will say good-bye now and congratulate you for sacrificing yourself in a jolly good cause. We'll keep warm for hours. What? Can you still speak? What did you say?"</p> <p>"This is just a weak rip-off of an old <em>Beyond the Fringe sketch</em>, isn't it sir? With Peter Cook and Jonathan Miller."</p> <p>"Would you like us to hack your head off first? To make this post more original?" </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/corpsing-7372619/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-14:/2009/11/14/oeufs-alec-7371783/alecweston2009-11-14T13:31:48+01:002009-11-14T14:59:25+01:00 <p><em>I have often fantasised about seeing my name on the menu. Having a dished named after you is form of immortality. Think of Beef Wellington. Think of the Sandwich.</p> <p>Okay, enough grandiosity.</em> </p> <p>Celebrating a rare Saturday off filial duties, I had a late breakfast at my favourite French cafe/bistro. </p> <p>I wanted to order what I had last time, adding a couple of items to their Eggs Florentine.</p> <p>And there it was on the new menu - <strong>Oeufs Alec</strong>! (Actually the menu uses my physical-world name, but that woud never do on this blog). Apparently there have served it to several customers in the last few days, and it's judged a success. I won't tell you the full recipe.</p> <p>Wait till you have a dish named after you - it's a real buzz!</p> <p>Now I should make clear I am not being paid for this plug for Mange Tout in Trafalgar Street, just down this hill from Brighton Station. No special discounts for me. However, I am already devising a special mystery sauce for the chef, Christophe, to incorporate into a dish to be called <strong>Steak Too Much to Declare</strong>.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/14/oeufs-alec-7371783/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/13/wedding-just-the-first-step-7369303/alecweston2009-11-13T22:35:56+01:002009-11-13T22:37:09+01:00 <p>My wedding feat (see previous post) was by no means the most ominous I have encountered.</p> <p>The best man at my friend Angela's wedding opened all the congratulatory telegrams - including one from one of Angela's ex's. "Congratulations," intoned the best man, not reading ahead, "in taking the first step to your divorce."</p> <p>He was right, of course. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/13/wedding-just-the-first-step-7369303/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/13/no-food-at-the-wedding-7368237/alecweston2009-11-13T19:13:04+01:002009-11-13T19:13:04+01:00 <p>One of the dismal tasks I undertook this morning was trying to sort out my State Pension.</p> <p>Apparently my pension will be reduced to take account of the fact that I was married for six years, ending in 1970. My wife didn't pay stamps and I did all the money earning. A judge later gave her a very generous capital sum on my behalf.</p> <p>Mind you, I should have known it would go wrong from the start. It was a long, long morning and we were starving hungry. When we arrived at the hotel reception, the two of us were taken outside for wedding photographs. By the time the guy had finished, all the food from the 'wedding feast' had been consumed by the guests. Oh, there must have been a cake, but I have forgotten.</p> <p>In fact, I have forgotten most things about the next six and a half years. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/13/no-food-at-the-wedding-7368237/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/13/no-helpful-suggestions-7366399/alecweston2009-11-13T13:57:51+01:002009-11-13T14:04:51+01:00 <p><em>please</em>. But sometimes I find writing it down helpd me find a way through on my own, which is the only way.</p> <p>I feel deeply depressed today, and at the moment can't find any energy to pull myself through. The "darkness at noon" scaffolding doesn't help - four or five more moths of it. it's been raining since 6am, so that makes it dark even with all the electric lights on - and dismal. Each task I do (eg sorting my pension out) feels like wading in sewage. And the guy who has meant to be fixing and upgrading my website makes a point of being unavailable, managing only phone on my fixed line when I'm out. <em>Why not call my mobile?</em></p> <p>Etc. I'm shortening the list and simplifying. And of course at the back of everything is my mother and sister.</p> <p>So gloom chez Alec. No doubt my inate and probably inane optimism will reassert itself shortly. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/13/no-helpful-suggestions-7366399/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-13:/2009/11/13/well-it-may-help-7365317/alecweston2009-11-13T10:25:32+01:002009-11-13T10:25:32+01:00 <p>Today I am going to sacrifice a frog </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/13/well-it-may-help-7365317/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/2009/11/12/featured-blogs-7361534/alecweston2009-11-12T23:19:43+01:002009-11-12T23:25:58+01:00 <p>I hate to say it - and I haven't noticed anyone else say it - but I'm missing the 18-strong Featured Blog page on BCUK.</p> <p>It was enfuriating, almost random - certainly impossible to work out why certain blogs were there and certain were not - and towards the end there seemed to be an invasion of commercial blogs which had very few comments at all. (Other, massively popular, commercial blogs were excluded)</p> <p>Anyhow, all the arguments of how it was compiled are now history. It's gone - and unless there's an unexpected campaign to relaunch a new version of it, it's gone for good.</p> <p>Am I the only BCUKer who thought, that for all its faults, it brought a kind of centre to the site? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/12/featured-blogs-7361534/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/2009/11/12/another-sort-of-dream-7360778/alecweston2009-11-12T21:52:21+01:002009-11-12T21:52:21+01:00 <p><span>"You are just not a team player, Carruthers, that's your trouble. We need kindling, man! Now the flames are up, your right leg will burn a hell of a lot better than your left leg did. All you have to do is saw the damn thing off!"</span></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/12/another-sort-of-dream-7360778/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/2009/11/12/a-sort-of-dream-7359599/alecweston2009-11-12T18:23:47+01:002009-11-12T18:25:46+01:00 <p>It was being held in the Silvio Clarksonian, an airfield in the middle of Rome.</p> <p>The main fight, to the death. Two ageing men. Alex Ferguson and Rupert Murdoch.</p> <p>And, although I'm no ManU supporter, or indeed football fan, I know whose side I'm on. Then I wake up to avoid the Thought Police. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/12/a-sort-of-dream-7359599/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:alphamin.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/2009/11/12/all-in-a-day-s-non-work-7359033/alecweston2009-11-12T16:25:23+01:002009-11-12T16:25:23+01:00 <p>My gaselectrico, accepting there has been a gas meter muddle up, asks me for an up to date meter reading.</p> <p>Find special key for meter box - check. Remember to take front door key (last time I locked myself out) - check. Remember number of first combination lock - check. Push door with left hand,the moment the fourth digit of the combination number is entered by right hand - check. Remember slightly different number and letter combination for second door - check. Turn lever to left and yank second door ruthlessly hard - check.</p> <p>Door opens. Room full of refuse. Stinks. Remember there is refuse strike. Light goes out. Light comes, goes out. Calculate it will take ten minutes heaving to remove enough refuse sacks to read meter, at least another 10 to replace them.</p> <p>Mission abandoned. Explain situation to gaselectrico operative in email.</p> <p>(<em>And here's the surprise</em>) Operative sends friendly, sympathetic email about my plight, Says she would like to live by the sea. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://alphamin.blog.co.uk/2009/11/12/all-in-a-day-s-non-work-7359033/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>