On Friday I walked four hours across the Downs. Yesterday (Saturday), I awoke at four and couldn't sleep again, then spent the day at my mother's, running around and generally living in her world. And getting there and back. then this morning, I was awake at four o'clock again, although I did doze off again for a bit.

So todayI I feel shattered. In the past, I might have fallen ill. Instead, I have let myself be sluttish, in bed asleep or reading.

It's Saturday's emotional exhaustion, not Friday's physical exertion that is getting to me.

Until recently, it's been hard for me to explain what drives me mad about being with my mother. But, at last, many things in my life are beginning to feel more vivid but less complicated.

It's her I'm-Your-Mother voice that eats me up inside - a voice that's becoming increasingly inappropriate as she becomes more and more out-of-touch and helpless. The voice that says You-are-just-like-Your-Father-and-should-be-Ashamed when, for instance, I announced my intention to leave when Maria2 comes back from her break.

I am ashamed. I am ashamed I'm still so pathetically affected by this shit. I am less and less ashamed to admit to hope that soon she has a peaceful death. However, with so many people running around for her, at the moment she is happy and shows no sign of imminent demise.

Next weekend, I have off.