Today I will welcome my sister to my home in Brighton for the first time.

New sinlge duvet already bought, spare room cleaned. Must remember to get some milk, find the TV remote, find Radio 4 on my tuner... aurely I don't have to go that far?

My sister and her dog. Real, not imagined. Well trained but exuberantly large. A pointer. My sister's alter ego. I forgot when I asked her. Do I need to buy a doggie bowl? While sister is at an important meeting, she expects me babysit the bitch. Do you detect hostility? Yes. you do.

Today, my sister will cancel at the last moment. At midday she will ring and say she can't leave my mother alone. Alone, that is, with the new carer who happens to be a friend of mine.

Today...