I can't shake off my mood of desperation.  Not Sunday blues, but because of what happened yesterday with my mother, some of which I described here.

Every week I get sucked into her world again.  Each time I vow to lighten up, and for a while it works - but then she says or does something which is so bigoted, selfish or narcissistic it brings back the past and pain.

There's no point in confronting her - she either doesn't hear/listen.  Or she goes into ubervictim mode and sulks.

I feel pathetic, even ashamed to write about it here.  No one of my age should be so affected!  Evert week she infantalises me.

I spent almost twenty of my middle years not speaking to her, and often I regret becoming involved again.  It was my sister who pressured and pressured me to re-establish contact and if I walked away now she would never speak to me again.  And of course I would feel guilty as hell.

Guilty, too, I can't find a way to be with her and still be myself.  Guilty I long to grieve her death.

Anyone feel like playing the Agony Aunt?