Another week ending.  For me it means anticipating my visit to my mothet tomorrow.  Friday night usually finds me sad, angry, mixed up.

For some time, my therapist has been saying I need - my most important emtoional need - is to 'divorce' my mother.  That is, break from the bits of my mother inside me.  I have taken this to mean the self-bullying voices inside me - telling me to work hard, be tidy and constantly logical, never get angry, always stay anxious - and so on.

Unfortunately I realise there's more involved than that.

For example, I am angry that since I moved, my home, my life is - for now, and for some time ahead - out of control.  In my London house, all my possesions had their place (many in the attic, out of site).  I seldom needed help from outsiders.  Yes I had a cleaner, but - smiling of course - I could give her instructions.

Here, I need lats of help,  And the plumber, the csrpenter, the kitchen man that doesn't turn up, all invade my own space and have their own ideas.  In particular C, a woman - a fellow client of my therapist (yes, that itself might have something to do with it) who I wanted to follow my instructions, kept urging me to throw things away I didn't want thrown out, doing thing in her order of priorities - and instead of making my feelings clear, I built up resentment and stoppped getting help from her at all. Which has prove dcounter productive.

And who does my behaviour remind me of?  Why, my mother of course.  She resents her helper Maria in much the way I have reented C. My mother, as she grows more and more infirm, constantly obsesses about losing control.

The relaisation is an uncomfortable epiphany. To resolve should be easy - I only need to become less uptight, more relaxed about it all,  Care less what my craftsman visitors think of me.  Develop a default postion of feeling calm and relaxed.

All very well,  But confronting the fact that, at my core, I am, in many ways "just like my mother" doesn't right now make me feel peaceful at all