This afternoon, I was just getting ready for a session of gentle blogging when someone phoned who I haven't spoken to for 15 years.  She "happened to be in Hammersmith."  I agreed to meet her in the bar of the Riverside.

Someone!  An ex-girlfriend.  We lived together longer than many marriages.

I felt very - suspicious.  Wary.  I was careful not to mention this blog.  Not that I have written much about her here, but most of what I have written has been negative.

It was good to see her - and bad.  She told me what's been happenig to several of our mutual friends, she reminded me of several things that happened in our time together (eg, at my sister's wedding, my parents standing near to each other staring at the same blank wall)... and... and...

But... but... Eventually I did tell her about An.. Vanessa, and she hugged me in a way that felt - manipulative.  Or is it just because "there, there" sympathy doesn't feel right?  I'm over it, mostly.  And the bit I'm not over I don't want to talk about right now, anyway to an ex-girlfriend. Even telling a shorthand version of the story felt almost antiquated.

I'm glad I saw her - but I don't want to deal with feelings about her now.  Our pattern before was reunion then fighting - her using stuff that's come out in friendly conversations. 

Don't know what I feel - except emotionally drained.