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Posts archive for: August, 2007
  • Rosemary's Lover

    "That's wonderful news, darling."

    He knew it wasn't his.  Rosemary knew he knew.  It was that kind of marriage.

    "Sometime in April."

    "What?"

    "The baby will be born in April, probably.  I saw Dr Roland today and she says everything seems to be fine."

    "Splendid."  Her husband was considering all the possibilities. Tom, his assistant,who he was always sending from the office with flowers and messages?  The Gardener?  His best man at the wedding?  Her schoolfriend, Azziz?  That would make the whole thing frightfully embarrassing.

    Rosemary would have loved to have been pregnant, if it didn't involve having sex with any of these men, or any others.  In a couple of months she would have to pretend she'd had a miscarriage.

    All that mattered was that no one found out about Daphne.

  • No Moan no more

    Something really irritating happened to me today; in the end everything turned out well.  It would make quie an amusing story.

    But I'm not going to tell you about it.

    Often I would. Deft with the irony, close on the social observation.  Alec as the victim and then the hero, self depreciating in true British style.

    It happened in two separate post offices...

    Good-bye to all that.  Enough moaning, enough sucking sympathy out of cyberspace.

    Enough for now, anyway.

    Life can be pretty good, can't it?  My life ain't bad at all.  From now on, I'm going ta take a huge gamble and dare to enjoy myself.

  • Fear

    “Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are.” Don Miguel Ruiz

    "The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."
    Speechwriter to President F.D. Rooosevelt

    “Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves”. Bonaro W. Overstreet

    “Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is.”
    H. Jackson Browne

    “Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.”
    Robert Albert Bloch

    “Fear makes the wolf larger” – German proverb

    “Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.”

  • 10 years from a funeral

    Ten years ago was the day of my favourite aunt's funeral.  And then Diana died.

    My aunt played the role of mother to me one wonderful nine months of my childhood.  We were close, and when she died - 19 months after her elder brother, my dad - my grief was uncontrollable.  Besides my "uncle" Peter - my aunt's companion foor over 40 years - most of the other mourners were going through the formalities.

    The funeral took place on the Isle of Wight.  All the flags on the yacht clubs were at half mast.  Everybody appeared to have gone into muorning.  The radio shows wouldn't shut up about it.  Diana was dead, boo, hoo.  All that week I hated her.  How can you feel grief for the death of a stranger, a media invention?  M and S, Tescos, all the others closed for the  Funeral hour.  The waste of all those cut flowers (my aunt never cut flowers from their life source; she had a beautiful garden where they could bloom)...

    A friend in Glasgow had neighbours who had a death in the family and a funeral on the day of Diana's.  The cars speeded home asap from the cemetry so the could see The Real Thing on telly.

    Another friend told me that her relatives in Algeria - in the midst of an horrendous, bloody civil war - stayed fixated by the pictures from London all day.  Fantasy is so much easier to deal with.

    And my aunt....

    She was a potter - very clever with her hands (so clever, the could chain smoke and make a clay pot on the wheel at the same time).  She had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen.

    My uncle is dead, her sister near senile.  All her money now distributed to me and my mostly indifferent sisters and cousins.

    Who will remember my aunt today?

  • Swindoned


    I have lost the will to blog,
    possibly to live.
    Not so much my mother in hospital,
    more the roundabouts.

    the nothing.
    as if British weather
    had been turned into concrete.

    Of course I'm being subjective

  • Go to hell, Goforluck

    The latest gangster spammer on BCUK, goforluck is busy "Commenting" at one site a minute in Cantonese or English, for criminal or commercial reasons.  He registered today.  Needless to say he hasn't  written a post yet.

    He has been reported to the Admin, who so far have taken no action.

    What I don't understand though, is why the taggers all go for the same posts  of  mine.  Deleting goforluck's second offering, I discovered there were 5 other comments I hadn't bothered to remove, attached to the same post back in November 2005....  which, at the time, probably less than fivepeople read.  Spammers seem to like posts with the word "Blog" in the title

    Anyone else had the same experience?

  • Lapdog or Whore?

    Every night, while most of us in the UK sleep, he blogs away on this site for victory for the US in Iraq by "the long haul".  In the name of Criminal Justice.

    The obscene war, made smooth and noble.

    The Quiet American, playing innocent, in denial.  For money or delusion. The neo con, conning.

    Which branch of the  U.S Government pays for this criminal-justice  guy with the police-officer blog?

    Is he assembled from an Identikit?

     

    criminal-justice



    Lapdog or whore?

  • Why am I not gay?

    It's a serious question.

    Why don't I ever want sex with men?

    What stops me wanting?

    At school, I lusted after boys - and for a few years afterwards.  But then -woosh! - it really was like a blinding flash on the road to Damascus - all I wanted was women and girls.

    An attractive male gay friend of mine touches me a lot in a friendly way - I don't flinch, but I don't want, or even wonder (except for the purposes of exposition, here, of course). I'm not repelled, I'm not tempted.

    "Attractive."  Yes, I do find some guys more appealing than others.  But appealing in what way?  I'm curious.  If I were hypnotised..?

    Perhaps, now, if I had a lot of hetereosex, I would consider experimenting...

    "Consider experimenting"!  How clinical!  How cynical!  How besides the point.

    Maybe some of you think I'm foolish even to ask the question.

    Maybe someone else can give me an answer.  Maybe not.


  • White and Bleak

    On the one hand,

    My house sale/move to Brighton is going through - there's even another same-price purchaser in the wings if the first one drops out.  So far, no hitches.
    I have done a deal with a property dealer about some family land which may one day bring untold, ill gotten riches.
    My writing of the new novel is off to a good start.
    My therapy is putting me in touch with a lot of emotions and move on from the deep psychic holes I've been stuck in for years.
    Even my IBS is under control.


    On the other hand,

    My mother
    Her bruises will heal, her heart robust.  But her self pity, her constant criticism, her daily trump cards of perpetual panic, her terror of death, her resentment of the unfamilair and caring strangers, her clingling to me and my sister, her need to control us, her selective deafness, her need for constant attention growing as he gets weaker and weaker, her self-righteous bloodymindeness, her life-long narcissism...her immortaility

    The last sentence hasn't got a verb.  Does it need one?

  • Imagination

    She would have been perfect for me,
    If she'd noticed I existed.

    She would have been perfect
    If the only time she noticed we hadn't had an argument
    About profound, unimportant things.

    Perfect, even
    If we had made it up with kisses afterwards,

    or even a teasing conversation with our eyes

    But she had a plane to catch
    To.. she didn't tell me.

    She would have been perfect,
    except,
    candidly,
    Alison was barely more than a figmant
    of my imagination.

  • Meme stolen from Hornbluff

    1. 17

    2. Rock around the Clock.

    3. Small (bet I'm the first person to answer that honestly)

    4. Four carafes of red wine.  One large brandy.  Toast.

    5.  Norman Mailer, Harry Potter.

    6.  Only in self defence (ha, ha)

    7.  When I got arrested in Sabastapol for shoplifting.

    8.  Hazlenut.  Voodoo?  I really can't remember

    9.  Terence Trent Darby, Massive Attack, Harold Wilson.

    10.  No way am I going to answer that, even incorrectly.

  • Mother out of Touch

    My mother, still badly bruised, and  sedated, has been moved to a private ward (instead of being discharged from the hospital?)  Hopefully the cost will be absorbed by her Medical Insurance, her only real extravegeance over the years (and believe me, over 90, the premiums are spectacular),

    My sister has gone home for some well-erned rest. When I got in this evening there was a message telling me - in 3 different voices, one American - the number of the phone by heer bedside.  For the first 30 seconds another multi-voiced message telling me I'm being charged 38p a minute or 48p at peak times (unspecified).  So there's 19 or 44p gone just listening to it.  Then a ringing sound, followed by another recording telling me she's not answering. We're over the minute mark now...

    Even if my mother were awake,(an hour ago) she's probably too deaf to hear the  phone ringing.  If she picked up, without in-phone amplification she probably wouldn't be able to make out my words.  And if I left a (to her inaudible) message she wouldn't know how to retrieve it.

    But it's the thought that counts - and helping the private phone company get some more profit.  I read somewhere it was filing for bankcrupcy.

  • It's a start

    This afternoon, at last, I have begun writing the first chapter of my new Childhood/Imaginary Friend novel.

    Only 350 words so far.  Over 64,500 still to write!  Hard going writing as if a child.  Far easier to complain about it here... The whole project might not work

    Still, a start.

  • alph-alph

    Comforting Games
    Lugubrious Sniffing
    Indiscriminate Hugging
    Undifferentiated Sympathy
    Typhoo Tea Bag
    Soft Heart
    Soft Head.

    Suffocating
    Social Networking
    On mornings like this
    Or horrified rejection
    Systematic Invisibility
    On mornings like this
    It makes me angry.

  • Half Baked Potato

    My mother hasn't any broken bones [see \/ below].  In fact she didn't even dislocate her shoulder. The "only" wounds she has are bruises all over her already frail, spine twisted back.  They will hurt big-time until the heal  unless she's opiated.

    She will be "home" at my sister's (in rural Wiltshire) in a few days, probably.  It's going to be hell for her.  My role as Best Supporting Male suddenly seems more desirable than the alterrnative.

    Meanwhile I cannot bring myself to relate the other happenings of the weekend - yesterday's pychodrama involving my mum and me, while my sister was working in London, and the slow-motion Family Wedding on Saturday.  All I will say about the latter is there are few things worse to eat than BarBQ half-baked potato and some of my young cousins want to poke me or whatever on Facebook.

  • Falling down the stairs

    After I left my sister's house in Wiltshire this morning and returned to London, my (92 year old) mother fell down the lower stairs backwards and broke her right shoulder.  She was rushed to hospital.

    So far, before the X rays, they can't be sure that she hasn't broken other bones as well, although her back and hips seem to be all right.

    Apparently, she's doped up with morphine at the moment,can't feel much pain.

    At the very least, she won't be able to look after herself for a while.

  • Unrouted

    Back from wedding/mothersitting intermission at 12 ish I boot up my Mac, connect, run Firefox + Mail and - nothing.  Only 2 lights glow on Netgear router. De-power, and repower - nothing.

    No panic - just.  Break for lunch.  Then, phone plus.net helpline; six options - all tell me by recording all is fine.  Phone seconf helpline - answere straight away - and almost hang up when I think voice is also recorded.  They are usually nice guys on plus.net, but this one is grumpy and Mac hater.  We go through preferences, ethernet, PCP, blah and blah...  all I can do is check netgear manual and reconfigure.  He lists hundreds of letters and digits I'll have to input.

    You think I have a manual?  Find installation CD  Instructions in French, German, Spanish... ah! English.  Incomprehensible. Diagram shows wire going from netgear router to a PC port.....  I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PLUG IT IN.

    2.30. Firefox works fine. BCUK still there.  Everything fine.

    Everything except my self esteem. But, dear Reader, I didn't swear.

  • Cousin's Wedding

    I loathe it.

    The suit, the sweat to catch a train.  THE DEPENDENCE ON MY SISTER.

    You won't hear from me agin until Monday - unless on the news for familyside.

  • Dream Girls are Easy

    A slim tall woman kissed me in my dreams, as we stood talking.

    Big deal?  Well, yes, if you'd had suffered my drought - even of fantasies.

    The dream, in true Hollywood-stereotype fashion, indicated the woman who issed me was a bit of an intellectual - she was wearing glasses

  • I must go back to sleep

    I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzI must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep. I must go back to sleep.

  • Packing

    One of my most inconvenient neurosis is an inability to pack the night before.

    This inability becomes absolute (if inabilities can do such things)  when I'm not at all keen on the trip I need to pack for.

    Really it's no big deal.  A cousin's wedding tomorrow. Babysitting my mother on Sunday in my sister's house in Wiltshire while my sister works in London.

    The resentment I was feeling only a few days ago of being manipulated yet again into the supporting role in my sis' life (why didn't she turn the work down? Now she complaining about having to pay the higher rate of tax, boo hoo to her)... the resentment has evapourated -  until I started writing about it here...

     I will remain serene.

    And pack in the morning.

    In current form, I will wake at about 5.30 am.

  • Lies, Damned Lies, Weather Forecasts, Global Gloom and Sacrificing Tim Henman

    On the BBC website, the weather bureau predicts "Sunny Intervals" for London and the South East.  LIES, LIES.  The cloud is permanently fused together by some low flying glue, no doubt a British invention. 

    It hasn't even the guts to rain. Or the energy.

    The brightest place today is the neon purgatory of the Shopping Centre.  Everyone is wearing their cheapest, loosest dreariest clothes.  No eyes focused on anything but the ground,  conversations an endless whine.  The only smil I saw all morning was an old woman ordering some Luncheon Meat from Sainsbury's deli counter.

    Maybe, Climate Change means this. A hundred years of Global Gloom.  Not a Bang but a Perpetual Whimper.  A Withering of the desire to go on living.

    But I'm in danger of being anglocentric.  Somewhere in the world will be full of sunshine.  Other places, like Mexico, deluged by storm.

    No.  This Everlasting Cloud is a British, or north west European phenomonum.

    It demands Human Sacrifice.

    And who better to sacrifice than Tim Henman, whose limbs and facial expressions personify everything that is dreary and repressed about Britishness, and particularly the weather?



    Lets sacrifice Henman to appease the Sun God.

    As anyone got a better suggestion?

  • May your mum have a smoothe forehead

    By Amber Dance, Los Angeles Times Staff Writer
    August 24, 2007/ edited into better English by Alec Weston

    Professional interpreter Sonja Elen Kisa of Toronto has created a simple language, consisting of only 120 words, to help clarify her thinking during a period of depression.  The language is called Toki Pona – “good language”

    "Ale li pona," she told herself. "Everything will be OK."

    Kisa eventually sorted through her thoughts and, to her great surprise, her little language took off, with more than 100 speakers today, singing Toki Pona songs, writing Toki Pona poems and chatting with Toki Pona words.

    It's all part of a weirdly Babel-esque boom of new languages. Once the private arena of J.R.R. Tolkien, Esperanto speakers and grunting Klingon fanatics, invented languages have flourished on the Internet and begun creeping into the public domain.

    The website Langmaker.com lists more than 1,000 language inventors and 1,902 made-up languages, from `Ayvárith to Zyem.

    The language inventors have, of course, created a word to describe what they do -- "conlang," short for constructed languages.

    The awareness of invented languages has been driven in part by their use in popular films, such as Ku, a fictional "African" language spoken by Nicole Kidman in the 2005 film "The Interpreter."

    Created languages may have no hope of supplanting the real thing, but for most conlangers, that is hardly the goal. Hobbyists like Kisa find it a fun or therapeutic practice. Linguists can use conlangs to dissect how real language works. For a select few who write fiction or work for Hollywood, conlanging can even be a moneymaker.

    But to most linguaphiles, conlangs are simply art. Their palette holds not paints but the buzz of the letter "z," the hiss of an "s," the trill of an Italian "r."

    And sometimes the howl of a Klingon scream: "Hab SoSlI' Quch!"

    "Your mother has a smooth forehead!"

  • Living in the wrong time zone

    .......

    .. no. can't compute.
    back to sleep again.

    or wake? someone's wake, someone wink, wil you?

    dreams, dreams, this has to be a dream

  • There's always Paris

    Although yesterday, more rain there than in London.  Possibly more rain than the first day of Noah's Flood.

    Left Hammersmith 6 am.  Returned 4 am this morning - hired van loaded, transported, unloaded.  My friend did all the driving, me the talking, mostly.  Roulade of duck on Monteparnasse brasserie, digested in time for last ferry.

    Possibly more details follow. Possibly, maybe, probably not.

  • Philosophy from a Half White Night.

    I am obviously not going to sleep again. (no chance for sure now, as I'm drinking thick espresso coffee).  The alarm goes in an hour, my friend is due to arrive at six with the hired van to take us to Paris and back today.

    I went to sleep before 11 - and awoke at 2am.  Awake since.  Basically at 11 I'd been to tired to remember to take some anti-IBS medicine.

    Whatever.  Maybe I can doze later - I'm not driving.

    The thing is - instead of not sleeping, I've spun out a little bit of philosophy.  It sounds profound to me, but you all may know it already.

    Everything is Easier than it First Appears.

    or

    Usually There's no Reason to Make a  Big Deal of Things.

    or, even better,

    Mountains are Often Molehills in Disguise.

    I made a big deal of getting my  Passport renewed - but it was easy - boring but hardly rocket science or an olympic sport.

    Getting my tax papers ready to send off? I'd forgotten I'd sorted my papers  earleir in the year?  All I needed was to make one extra phone call.

    Sorting out my loft/memory stuff?  Tedious, but achievable.

    Finding a lover/getting a life?

    That'll have to wake wait until the next post...

    But hey - I may have the outline for a new Self Help Book  here.